Well, as of this past Sunday, I’m no longer a teenager. I’m not entirely sure what that means, other than being a year older than I was at 19. Someone asked me on Sunday morning if I felt any older and the answer was without a doubt “NO!” and I still don’t feel older.. but I am. And this morning, I woke up and the first thing that came to mind was “OMYGOSH I ONLY HAVE FIVE YEARS LEFT UNTIL I HAVE TO MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY FOR HEALTH AND LIFE AND EVERYTHING INSURANCE AND THAT MEANS I’M GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE A SUSTAINING JOB AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING AND AND AND...” I was pretty panicked.
I spent the rest of the day trying to push that to the back of my mind but it didn’t work. Inside I was drowning in panic all day but hid it pretty well. Now, I’m sitting in my car and blogging while listening to Hillsong on my iPhone 6s waiting until it’s time for my small group to meet after I’ve been editing photos, videos and planning social media stuff all day and realizing how foolish I am.
I’m 20 years old. (20 and 2 days, if you wanna get technical.) I have a car. It may be messy at the moment, but it runs and it gets me from point A to point B. I have a blog and that means I have internet access. It also means I can write which means I’m educated enough to string together letters to make words to make sentences that make sense. I’m listening to a worship album on my phone. I have a phone. (A NICE phone.) I’m not going to get arrested for worshipping my God in the way that I want to. I have a small group. I have people that care about me- people that encourage me and love me deeply. I have a camera that lets me capture moments. I have computer that I’m able to edit photos and videos and write social media posts on. I have people that let me pursue my passions on a daily basis.
I am so blessed. God has provided in so many ways. I have an amazing family, awesome friends, cool things... He has come through in every way I have ever needed or wanted him to. So why am I doubting? Why should I worry? All that worry has ever done for me is steal my joy, shatter my hope and dash my dreams.
Whenever I see a post like “where do you want to be in 5 years?” I quickly scroll past it because I. don’t. know. I have no idea. 5 years ago, I never imagined that I would be volunteering at a church on an almost daily basis, nannying for two twin girls and doing photography at the level I am now. This wasn’t my game plan. (Nothing was my game plan... Let’s be real, I’ve never had a plan.) But God’s plan was, has been and will continue to be bigger and more wonderful than I could ever imagine.
I don’t know what this year holds but I know that it’s going to be a roller coaster. It’s going to be unpredictable and I guess that’s half the fun: not knowing what’s next. I’m gonna fail. I’m gonna succeed. Things will come into play- both blessings and struggles- and I know that I’ll be sitting somewhere in December of next year, looking back on this year that I just entered in complete awe of what God has done. He’s going to provide in these next few years in ways I could never ever imagine.
While I know very few things with certainty, I know this: He is certain. He is constant. And HE is GOOD.
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