Vulnerable

Holy cow. This summer's been a whirlwind so far. I've been interning at my church, shooting and editing pictures, keeping up with my friends, recording an album and playing with Heirs, leaving time for family, while trying to do everything else. And by doing everything else, I mean trying to catch my breath. Summer's ridiculously busy this year. Don't get me wrong: I LOVE IT! I get to spend almost every single day with a group of awesome friends at one of my favorite places on earth while learning more about the Lord and building relationships, make music, art and basically enjoy summer the way it should be.

That being said, I've struggled with a lot of loneliness lately. That's weird even to think about, really, because I'm surrounded with people that say they love me. I can't help but think "do they really?" I mean, do they love me for who I am? Do they just hang around because they want to be nice to me? Do they just not want me to feel left out? Do they even really like me or are they just pretending? Do they think I'm weird? Do they think I'm ugly? Do they actually consider me their friend?

(I can't believe I'm being this vulnerable... I don't even have a screen name anymore- it's my real name. I can't hide behind the screen. EEEEP! This is more scary than it should be.)

These things really do go through my head. I act all confident and put together, but inside, it's an entirely different view. There's doubt, fear and uneasiness. There are a lot of scars, a lot of pain and a lot of wounds that still need to be healed. I've been betrayed by those closest to me and that makes it difficult to open up to others I don't know-- even those I do know sometimes.

I don't know where to begin.

Even though I'm surrounded by things, reminders and people that pound how much Jesus loves me, it's easy to get wrapped in the emotions that feeling alone bring. I often forget how He loves me and how much He's sacrificed for me. I forget that I can always trust Him. It's harder for me than some might think, but it's necessary to having a real relationship with God. I often bury these things deep inside of me so no one can see, but God sees. He knows and He understands. (As I'm sure many of you reading this do, as well.)

No matter how I feel, no matter what I do, no matter how many times I forget and doubt, nothing will separate me from His ever present, furious love.