I Surrender... Forever

I give up, I surrender. I'm all Yours.

Today, I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life... I told my worship leader that exactly two weeks from now, I'll no longer be able to be a part of the Epic Youth Worship Team. Let me give you a bit of background.

When I was little and my parents had me dedicated to God, the pastor said that I would be doing something with music when I grew up. I've always loved music and I've always dreamed of being a worship leader. I can't remember ever not wanting to be a worship leader. It's a dream God planted in me at a young age. Well, last year at youth group, I got the opportunity to be on the worship team. I prayed and prayed and prayed. One night, I audibly heard God say "YES" as I prayed about it once again. That Sunday, I told the leader that I wanted to join and I started that week.

There were only 7 of us at that time. A drummer, a lead singer/lead keyboardist, 2 electric guitar players (one of these was a sound guy, too), a bass player and 3 background singers/keyboardists. At first, I felt like an outsider. Most of these people had been together for a long time and they had a pretty good thing going on! Then the sound guy left and we had 6. I think six is a good number... it's small, but big. I was accepted. I was welcomed. I was home. I had found a family.

We all became like brothers and sisters and had 2 others join the team. We became close then, too. I knew that this was where God wanted me.

Then, 4 months ago, I learned that my parents were more than likely going to leave the church. (They're not alone... a few others left, too) A week ago, it became official: my mom and dad are no longer affiliated with their church of 22 years. I'm not sure why this all started, but it did and it's happened. (It'll all work out for good. That's what God promises to do: work things out for good.)

My parents and I have had many conversations about church and church leadership over the course of the past week and I've had to make some extremely tough choices. I didn't want to make these choices. I don't want to make them. However, I had and have to. This choice happens to be one of those. And it breaks my heart and sends tears streaming down my face.

I give up. There is no way I can keep this up. Everything around me has changed. I know that God has a plan and a purpose for me, so I guess there is a way. I know there's a way, actually. I surrender. I've lost control, I'm tired of acting perfect. No one's fooled and I'm tired of playing these foolish games that require masks and made up stories. I've been learning about how to live a life of worship and surrender is a huge part of that. I give it up. My life is not my own, God. It's Yours. I surrender. Forever.