In Five Years' Time

Well, as of this past Sunday, I’m no longer a teenager. I’m not entirely sure what that means, other than being a year older than I was at 19. Someone asked me on Sunday morning if I felt any older and the answer was without a doubt “NO!” and I still don’t feel older.. but I am. And this morning, I woke up and the first thing that came to mind was “OMYGOSH I ONLY HAVE FIVE YEARS LEFT UNTIL I HAVE TO MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY FOR HEALTH AND LIFE AND EVERYTHING INSURANCE AND THAT MEANS I’M GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE A SUSTAINING JOB AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING AND AND AND...” I was pretty panicked. 

I spent the rest of the day trying to push that to the back of my mind but it didn’t work. Inside I was drowning in panic all day but hid it pretty well. Now, I’m sitting in my car and blogging while listening to Hillsong on my iPhone 6s waiting until it’s time for my small group to meet after I’ve been editing photos, videos and planning social media stuff all day and realizing how foolish I am.

I’m 20 years old. (20 and 2 days, if you wanna get technical.) I have a car. It may be messy at the moment, but it runs and it gets me from point A to point B. I have a blog and that means I have internet access. It also means I can write which means I’m educated enough to string together letters to make words to make sentences that make sense. I’m listening to a worship album on my phone. I have a phone. (A NICE phone.) I’m not going to get arrested for worshipping my God in the way that I want to. I have a small group. I have people that care about me- people that encourage me and love me deeply. I have a camera that lets me capture moments. I have computer that I’m able to edit photos and videos and write social media posts on. I have people that let me pursue my passions on a daily basis.

I am so blessed. God has provided in so many ways. I have an amazing family, awesome friends, cool things... He has come through in every way I have ever needed or wanted him to. So why am I doubting? Why should I worry? All that worry has ever done for me is steal my joy, shatter my hope and dash my dreams. 

Whenever I see a post like “where do you want to be in 5 years?” I quickly scroll past it because I. don’t. know. I have no idea. 5 years ago, I never imagined that I would be volunteering at a church on an almost daily basis, nannying for two twin girls and doing photography at the level I am now. This wasn’t my game plan. (Nothing was my game plan... Let’s be real, I’ve never had a plan.) But God’s plan was, has been and will continue to be bigger and more wonderful than I could ever imagine.

I don’t know what this year holds but I know that it’s going to be a roller coaster. It’s going to be unpredictable and I guess that’s half the fun: not knowing what’s next. I’m gonna fail. I’m gonna succeed. Things will come into play- both blessings and struggles- and I know that I’ll be sitting somewhere in December of next year, looking back on this year that I just entered in complete awe of what God has done. He’s going to provide in these next few years in ways I could never ever imagine.

While I know very few things with certainty, I know this: He is certain. He is constant. And HE is GOOD.

Hamster Wheel Without Gravity

A few nights ago, I was driving  home from a church meeting and started thinking. I actually started thinking about hair color and why in the world God decided to make me blonde. Obviously I think of very deep things when I'm driving haha. It was an interesting thought that lead me to a plethora of other, somewhat deeper questions: Why am I in this car? Why did I just go to that vision night meeting? Why am I where I'm at in life right now? Where is this leading me? Am I living purposefully and making the right choices so that I'll get where I want to be?

There is a purpose for everything that's happened, every hair on my head and every step I take- whether I take it on purpose or self-consciously. Nothing is an accident. It's all planned- minute by minute, second by second, moment by moment.

So if everything in my life has a purpose, what in the world is MY purpose? What am I supposed to do? I feel like this is something every person struggles with and I've asked myself this question a million times in the past year. Life is uncertain. No one knows what's next and it often feels like we're running a big hamster wheel in a world without gravity- you run and run and run and just as soon as you think you're starting to get somewhere, you end up upside down and then you're suddenly back to square one. Maybe I'm the only one that feels that way? Yeah? Okay, cool.

When all else fails, there's only one thing that's for sure: Jesus. And that's where our purpose lies. We should always be focused on glorifying & bringing people to Him. Displaying His love should always be our first (and maybe only) priority. Our words need to reflect who He is. Our actions need to match up to be filled with grace that only He can give. Our choices need to be based on the sacrifice He made for us. We are called to be people of love. We must remain faithful to whatever He commands us to do.  In short: "Man's chief end is to glorify God."

It's so much easier to say this than to live it out. As I'm sure you know, it's hard to move forward when you don't know what's next or what you're supposed to be doing. It's easy to lose sight of the big picture in the midst of the daily grind & struggles we go through. But we are NOTHING without Jesus. We have no purpose, no reason to live. This is our biggest responsibility, our most important calling in life. If we don't display Him, who will?

No more excuses. It's time to step it up & live out our purpose.

The Power of Influence

Over the past 3 years, life has taken a million different twists and turns. It’s been crazy, heartbreaking at times, incredible, terrifying and beautiful. I went from being a super involved student leader that knew her place, her people and her God to having most of that tossed out the window. That may be slightly overdramatic, but that’s honestly how it felt. I can still feel the pain when I think about the Summer of 2012. I’ve already talked about that though & I don't have any desire to re-live those heart breaking moments. 

Honestly, after we left our old church, I got heavily depressed. I didn’t want to go anywhere else. I hated & wanted to hate everything and I succeeded. 

Sometime during that summer, my family stayed late after attending a new church and ended up talking to one of the youth leaders. Somehow, the topic of music came up and my parents started telling her how my sister and I played piano. (I use the word “play” very loosely. I knew like 4 chords… if that.) She invited us to check out a youth group band practice. 

I didn’t want to, but that didn’t stop her from asking.

She didn’t just ask us to come once.

Or even twice.

But she asked us multiple times. For multiple weeks

I didn’t want to go but my sister was all about it, so we went.

I hated it. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, I just had a terrible attitude about it. I made up EVERY excuse I could think of to not go.

My parents still made me go.

After about 4 weeks of consistently going to practices, I loved it. The people were incredible. 

The leaders were AMAZING. They truly cared and I could totally tell.

The students/musicians were SO accepting and loving and genuine in their faith and the way they acted. My sister and I ended up joining the band and playing keyboard/singing and getting as involved in the youth group as we could.

Throughout the past 3 years, I’ve done 3 internships, played A LOT of services, been to and lead at multiple events and camps and learned so many things in the process. I’ve gained another family, learned that my identity can ONLY come from Christ and become a better Christ-follower and leader.

So what changed my attitude? What changed my mind?

The persistence, consistency and authenticity of that one leader that wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. She didn’t know me. She didn’t have to care. But she did.

And because of that, I’m now in a place that I never imagined I would be. Because of that, I’m closer to Christ than I’ve ever been. Because she reached out to me, I’ve experienced Jesus in a way I never could have imagined. 

As I was writing the first draft of this, I was in the front of a school bus, leaning on a pillow, listening to a Hillsong record while hearing a bunch of middle schooler & high schoolers sing somewhat off-key VBS songs on our way to a mission trip where we put on a VBS at another church in 100 degree weather. Yesterday I got to worship, eat otterpops and laugh a ridiculous amount with a ton of students that are learning what it means to be a Christian in this confusing world. The week before that, I got to hang out with HUNDREDS of little kids and laugh & dance with them and love on them. This summer, I get to minister in so many ways that I never imagined I would.

And it’s all because that leader decided to not give up on a bitter, cynical 15 year old and made a difference that she probably never knew she would make. Actually, I’m not even sure she knows what a huge impact she made on me years ago.

So what’s my point? Be intentional. Be willing to go out of your way to reach out to someone. You never know how you could impact someone. You have more influence on people than you know. Use that influence to impact the Kingdom- you never know what might happen.

ONE YEAR

This time last year, I was getting ready to walk across a stage in a cap and gown and receive my high school diploma. Life was about to begin- this was IT. Everyone was going to take me seriously, I was immediately going to be the most mature person I knew and I could conquer the universe.

HA HA HA.

Okay... so I wasn't expecting THAT much out of graduating high school, but my expectations were pretty high for the summer and the year ahead of me. This year has brought so many lessons and trials and victories and little joys, I can never express the fullness of it through the written word, but I'm here to share a couple things that it's taught me.

Disclaimer: I'm probably not qualified to be sharing any advice, but I'm going to do it anyway. So without further ado...

Find intentional community. This has probably been the biggest lesson. I know that I wrote a post on it a year or so ago, but I didn't truly understand what community was. Community is having people that you can count on to have your back at all times. They're committed to loving you through the good, the bad and the ugly. They aren't going to leave you if you say something wrong or if you blow it. If I were going through something at this very moment, I know for a fact that I have a group of girls & guys that I could call or text and ask for prayer and I'd immediately have it. If you don't have that in your life, you don't know what you're missing out on. Find the people that will do life with you. Find those that are willing to know every part of you and still love you. Find someone that will walk with you through the tough stuff and not give up on you. Don't let fear of rejection keep you from being honest with those people- it's hard but it's worth it. SO. WORTH. IT.

Realize that you aren't going to have it all figured out. For some reason, I thought the year the you graduate was the year that you figured out everything. In case you're wondering, that's not true. For me, I think it was the opposite. I'm more confused and unsure about the future than I've ever been, but that's okay. It's annoying and oftentimes it's downright terrifying but things are going to work out. Keep pressing in to what God has for you and He'll keep guiding you, whether or not you know where He's leading you to. Don't be afraid of what's to come and rest in the fact that He has a plan. Remember: you're still young. You don't need to know what you want to do with the rest of your life when your whole life is still in front of you. (This whole paragraph was basically just me trying to convince myself of all of this... I still have no idea what I'm doing. Moving on.)

Don't look down on people because they're younger than you, but don't be intimidated by those that are older than you. You know when your mom told you that the friends you have in high school won't be the friends you have after high school? Yeah... she's telling the truth, but it's for the better. When you get out of high school, you and your friends might start to drift apart. But you know what's cool about friendships after you graduate? Age doesn't seem to matter as much. When I was in high school, most of my friends were in the same grade as I was. Now I have good friends of all ages and it's AMAZING. Stop being afraid of the older college kids. Stop looking down on the younger one. You all have a lot to learn and you can all help each other. Get out of your friendship bubble and go make new friends.

Jesus needs to be first. Make quiet time a priority. Read your Bible. It's so easy to let your Bible study habits slip and get so busy that you either forget or neglect that time. Don't let it happen. It happened to me multiple times this year and I can tell you that keeping up with your devotions is incredibly important. Get accountability for it and stick to it. Go to church, be in community, pray... keep Jesus at the forefront of your mind because HE should always be the MOST important thing in your life, regardless of how full it gets.

Take a lot of photos... preferably selfies. Okay, okay, maybe I'm trying to justify my group selfie (groupie?) obsession with this one, but *YOYO. I'm not saying that you should take and post a bunch of front-camera photos of your face to clog people's instagram feeds on a daily basis. PLEASE don't do that. What I AM saying is that you're going to want to remember the things that happen and sometimes the best way to capture it is with a silly iPhone front camera. If selfies aren't your thing, then take a photo with the normal camera. 

*You're only young once

Don't be afraid to stay out late. I mean, I don't think any college-aged person is afraid to do this, to be honest. BUT I just wanted to put it in here. Some of the best memories and conversations take place in Applebee's late at night after most of the restaurant-goers have gone or on a church stage with the clock nearing midnight while you're all babbling and laughing about some photo you found on the internet. Just sayin'. 

To sum this all up: don't be afraid of living life. Don't take yourself too seriously. Surround yourself with encouraging, faithful people. Love a lot, laugh until you cry and keep the Main Thing (Jesus) the Main Thing. This life is but a blink of an eye- live it well.

THIS IS GRACE

I'm not a very logical person. To be quite honest, when it comes to most things, I'm more emotional than logical. I speak before I think, I'll believe almost anything you tell me, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'll break into tears when faced with a problem rather than thinking through a solution. #realtalk.

But when it comes to my relationship with Christ, I tend to be skeptical and doubtful toward some of the simple truths. There's no logical explanation behind them.

For example: why would Someone so perfect and flawless and whole love someone so completely broken and sinful? The answer is love and I know that because I know all of the "Sunday School answers" but can you honestly tell me how it is possible for God- the Creator, Owner and Caretaker of EVERYTHING on earth and so far beyond my imagination- decided that He would not only see me in all my brokeness, but He would choose to love, adopt and save me from everything I ever have done, am doing or will do? It's beyond explanation. Love, as we define it, is not a deep enough description for this. And the only thing we have to do to have it is ask for it & accept it.

It makes   n o    s e n s e.

And it probably never will. My mind can't comprehend it.

But that's the beauty of it. It doesn't have to make sense. It's bigger than I can understand. It transcends logic and aims itself right at my heart. I try to wrap my mind around it and just as soon as I think I might understand it, it seems even bigger than it did before.

That's Grace. It's undeserved, it's unexplainable and, to me at least, it's completely illogical and uncomprehendable. (If that wasn't a word, it is now.)

Yesterday one of my favorite bands, Hillsong United, came out with a new album. The first song on Empires, Here Now (Madness), talks about this. The whole song is incredible but the words that stood out most to me were "faith makes a fool of what makes sense, Grace found my heart where logic ends." I feel like that perfectly sums up the majority of my relationship with Christ. Not everything is going to make sense and you just have to trust and have faith that by His Grace, it's going to work out.

"It makes no sense but this is Grace."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSV1uAMbYqM

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/hillsongunited/herenowmadness.html

IN CHRIST ALONE

Fact: we are constantly bombarded by words. We read them on our twitter feeds, speak them in our homes, watch them on TV ads, hear them in our music, write them in our journals and type them into our status bars. They help us communicate. They can be extreme. They can be encouraging and they can be damaging. 

Words have power.

Far too often, we let words define who we are. We let what other people think and say about us cut to our core and wound us deeply, to the point that they shape our thoughts, actions and feelings.

If words define who I am,

I am:

Stupid.

An idiot

Too sassy.

Too shy.

Complicated.

Weak.

Lazy.

Forgetful.

An amateur.

A bad example.

Not good enough.

Easily replaced

Immature.

A weirdo.

A mess.

A failure.

This list could go on and on and on. I’m sure if you made a list of all the negative things you’ve been labeled or called, your list would be just as long- if not a whole lot longer.

These words that have been spoken (whether good or bad, true or false) have molded at least a small part of who I am today. They’ve wounded me, encouraged me, made me indifferent, made me change. Because of these words, I’ve been compelled to change my actions, my thinking patterns, my words and, most importantly, how I view myself and what I put my identity in.

In a world where we’re incessantly reminded that we are never enough and need to be better than we are now, it’s easy to be self-centered and focused on ourselves while placing our hope in something temporary, such as what other people think about us, instead of entrusting our often fragile hope to God. Personally, I can get so wrapped up in my want to succeed and not fail that I start to put my hope and all of my identity into what other people think of my efforts and the final result that I get at the end of a project.

But it’s not supposed to be that way. Our hope is to be found in Christ Alone. It’s better that way. It makes sense.

In Him, I am nothing on that first list.

I am:

Wanted.

Enough.

Beautiful.

Strong.

Part of a bigger picture.

Remembered.

A follower.

A child of God.

Born with a unique purpose.

Brave.

Loved.

Passionate.

Safe.

Secure.

An example

Given purpose.

Found.

Alive.

Free.

Priceless.

Unashamed.

Redeemed.

I am literally the worst sinner. I’m a mess. I can’t go 30 minutes without saying or thinking or doing something that I shouldn’t, but I’ve been saved from that. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m redeemed and saved and loved and found in CHRIST ALONE. That’s not a new concept to me but it gets me SO EXCITED every time I hear it. You are not what other people say you are. You are who CHRIST says you are. The first list no longer holds any power over your life. Those are erased. Your shortcomings and wrongdoings and your mess-ups and mistakes are GONE, like they’ve never existed, in the eyes of Christ.

Let people say what they want to say. You are not defined but the words of this world- YOU are defined by Jesus Christ: the One that literally thinks you’re worth dying for. The One that actually hung on the cross to pay your penalty and cover your life in His blood so that you could experience life to fullest and to live with Him in complete and total peace and joy forever.

We have a hope.

We have a purpose.

We have Life.

If that isn’t good news, I don’t know what is.

2015: Take Me Deeper

// Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior. //

2015. Where has the time gone? 2014 was an incredible year full of laughter, tears, mountaintops and heartbreaks but I'm happy to see it's in the past now.

I'd like to be able to say I'm one of those "NEW YEAR, NEW ME!" people that literally tries to change everything that's wrong with my life overnight but I'm definitely not. I used to be. I used to make these elaborate plans about how I was going to do 250 crunches every single day, only eat vegetables ever, keep my room completely spotless all the time and never ever chew my nails ever again, but each year I ended up throwing those out the door by January 7th. I wanted perfection but perfection isn't an option. (Let me just say that I don't chew my nails nearly as much as I used to... so I guess I didn't completely fail at that one!!)

This year, I didn't make any huge plans. In fact, yesterday, when I was asked what I plan to do this year, I had a mini panic attack. I have no idea what I'm going to do this year, other than finish my photography courses and serve as often as I'm able. (Of course, I answered my friend very eloquently... Ha! Like I'm ever eloquent!)  I didn't even make a real "resolution". It's more of ongoing goal- a word- a theme, if you will.

That word is "deeper".

I, for one, am sick of shallow stuff. Shallow relationships, passions and pursuits leave us empty and tired. I don't know about you, but I don't like being empty and tired. I like to be vibrant. Joyful. Excited. Awake. Alive. (Did anyone catch that Skillet reference? No? Okay. Moving on.)

I've been a little too comfortable with the shallow stuff recently.

Exibit A.) Do I read my Bible? Sure, I spend 5 minutes reading a devotional on my phone app first thing in the morning. That counts, right?

Wrong. SO WRONG.

Sure, it's better than nothing but reading a devotional for 5 minutes, just to get it checked off my to do list, isn't what God wants me to do with His Word. He wants me to be in it constantly. He wants me to enjoy it and to comprehend it. He wants to spend time with me and speak to me through it. He wants us to have a constantly growing relationship and He wants to use His Word to deepen it. He wants me to pursue Him as He has pursued and continues to pursue me.

This year, along with a few of my close girl friends, I'm reading the Bible in a year. (Isn't it cool how God brings people with the same goals into our lives right when we need them most?!) It's going to be challenging but so rewarding. We're only on day three, but there have already been some "WOW" moments in our reading. It's been so encouraging to me so far. I woke up this morning and actually couldn't wait to read my Bible. I'm so excited to do this with them!

This is just one example of a way that I'm choosing to go deeper this year, but I don't want it to stop here. I want deeper relationships. I want deeper joy. I want a deeper life.

You can be happy when you're wading around in a kiddie pool, right? Yeah, sure. Till you outgrow it or decide that you want something more, something bigger, something more exciting.

I'm done with the small, flimsy thing that's filled with water. I want the big pool with the diving board and the slid. I want to be fully immersed in the cool, sweet water. Or, even better, the ocean. The vast expanse of glorious waves and salty sea water, teeming with life and freedom. I want to swim and dive and explore everything beneath the surface. I'm just so done with the little plastic pool that my mom bought for me at Walmart when I was five. (Sorry, mom. I really did love that thing when I was younger.)

So, I guess that's where I'm at right now.

Here's to twenty-fifteen: goodbye, kiddie pool; HELLO, OCEAN.